- Drown in a barrel of feral, plastic monkeys
- Unnecessarily provoke a “Code Elmo” alert with the Portage Security Association — they’re much like our TSA, but with better accents and 20% more common sense
- Contract a fatal infection from the paper cut he got while licking the envelope on a strongly-worded letter to the editor
- Pranksters paint his head like a soccer ball and bury him neck deep in a grassy field frequented by Beckham wannabees.
- As a commissioned sales representative for an Armour and Weapons Emporium scandalized by cheap, Saxon knock-offs, discovers the fury of knights returning from failed quests because the Rope of Hercules can be tugged apart by a gradeschool student; the Shield of Invulnerability catches fire when the battery used to power the blinking marketing bling lights overheats; or the Sword of Cutting doesn’t, because its blade is serrated. (First two ideas courtesy of Kiri.)
- While selling “libido enhancement pills” made from dried amphibian parts and graham crackers, he spams the wrong, ill-tempered Wizard with Email ID.
- A freak accident with microwave popcorn
- Didn’t read all eighteen pages of the privacy agreement, consented to being fed to squirrels.
- Went swimming ten minutes after eating Thanksgiving pizza
- Ran with scissors, shoes tied together
What else am I missing?
More thoughts:
A Pack of Mimes put him in an invisible box
Chomped down on mint Altoids, caused a fire in the castle
Head impact from wall after dealing with too many Install Shield problems
Pulled into a shredder when his necktie becomes caught in the blades.
Killed in an explosion when a flammable gas is trapped in his hard hat, and he’s invited outside for a smoke.
He’s traveling down I-5 at 70 mph when all the rust spots of his Chevrolet Vega let go at once, completely disintegrating the car.
Nibbled to death by ducks 🙂
Impaled by the little, plastic ‘pop out’ indicators you see on turkeys.
Electrocuted by the spark generated by two huge balloons rubbed together.
Ate too many red Skittles.
Tried to divide by zero.
Cut the tag off the mattress, disappeared in the middle of the night, neighbors not talking.
Stray neutrinos from Form 9300 server
Drowned in a massive sewage flood from a leaking overhead closet line.
Mistaken for a cow and shot by deer hunters.
Mistaken for a deer and shot by cow hunters.
Impaled on the razor ribbon surrounding the state of Utah.