If our company kitchen appliances had network access…

Toaster [twitter]:

“Hope you enjoy standing outside in the rain while the Bellevue fire department shakes its head disapprovingly of your charred mess!” #EpicToastFail [3 seconds ago]

“Dude, it’s looking medium well.” [2 minutes ago]

NotMyJob: @Toaster is looking very dark now. [4 minutes ago]

“Your toast is ready!” [5 minutes ago]

Espresso machine [Facebook]:

Did he brew six shots or only five?  Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is Turkish Roast, the most powerful coffee in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Garbage disposal [Fail Blog]:

Om nom nom nom nom  erk.  Utensils?

Dishwasher [four square]:

I just ousted Toaster_Oven as the mayor of The Kitchen!

Toaster Oven [IMDB moderator, tired of people leaving it on “broil” and walking away to read email]:

Kneel before Zod.